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Who am I?

I feel like on my journey so far in motherhood, the question I forever keep coming back to is “Who am I?” Well I can tell you the basics:

  • I’m Pip (Philippa)

  • I’m 28

  • I have a wonderfully wild daughter 14 month old Isabella

  • I’m incredibly lucky to have a supportive partner Monty who has held my hand for 10 years (I promise you’ll be knighted one day)

  • I really like food

  • I love coffee

  • And I’m what some people would describe as “A pork pie short of a picnic”

But behind all this

  • I run 2 businesses

  • I am on a journey with postnatal depression

  • Mental health has been a huge part of my life the last 3 years

  • I’m often incredibly paranoid

  • And I’m a pessimist

  • I always think the worst

  • And Confidence? What is that again??

I’ve always been fairly open about my mental health journey, less so recently because of this new wild rollercoaster I’ve been on with new medication and new diagnoses, but its always something I’ve been really passionate about. I live in a small town, help is limited, there’s so many also suffering, it’s still a bit of a taboo to talk about and sadly, people often, I think, still perceive someone with mental health as “just another one of those people”

But when it comes to motherhood, I suppose I became really naive to think that apart from looking after a small human, not much would change.. Okay I’ll be a little tired, we might live of takeaways like some books said, conversation would always be around poo (tbh this was the case pre izzy!) And in my head I thought, yes Pip, you’ll be back to Crossfit and running and coffee before you know it with your beautiful new baby, picture perfect. Boy, was I wrong…

I cried continuously, we didn’t sleep, I had guilt for bottle feeding, trapped wind and constipation was challenging, I forgot how not to talk about a baby, I wasn’t able to join in conversations of things I was missing, I didn’t know who I was when I looked in the mirror and that almost scared me. Who was this person looking back at me? Well, she had knickers as high as her belly button padded out thanks to a lot of bleeding, wearing a bra was so painful thanks to tender boobs, eyes were puffy both from crying and sleepless nights, I smelt like Sick, Sweat and probably Baby poo, and It was as if in that moment, a freaky Friday transition happened, the old Pip came out that went out for dinner 2 or 3 times a week, was a keen crossfitter, she had run a marathon, was in a job she loved at the time and a circle of friends that she saw regularly, and this new Pip came in.

I just remember thinking, did they miss this honest part out of NCT purposely? Am I the only one that’s really totally unsure about what on earth is going on? But what really was happening, was the transition to motherhood.

The transition to learning who this whole new women was, and I won’t lie, it’s really bloody hard. When you’re already vulnerable, having to then battle with guilt, frustration, paranoia, intrusive thoughts as well as learning to love this new body you have is a journey nobody prepared me for, no book, no instagram post, not NCT just me on this new journey of discovering who I now was.

But now, still 14 months down the line, I actually feel like that journeys got harder, because at the beginning I told myself “it’ll get easier, this Is just a phase, you’ll be back to being you before you know it” when what I really needed was someone to be really honest. I’m on this journey of discovery still off where do I fit in now? And I’m finding that really tough, I’m a mum, a teacher, a girlfriend, a business owner and (try to be) a friend, but that’s a lot to try and be really good at, I wanted to write this because feeling overwhelmed is an emotion that as a mum I come back to time and time again, and I want to share my journey, because I know when I was becoming a mum, I would want someone to have been brutally honest to prepare me that even though you’re entire life has been tipped upside down, the new life ahead is full of secrets, love & light and we can only control the here and now.

Pip x

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